I was debating as to whether or not to post this because (to paraphrase my parents), sponsors and employers don’t want anything to do with someone who has “issues.” I’m taking a leap of faith here in assuming that those people understand that everyone has issues, and the act of posting about mine allows my growing blog audience to understand that the fight to try and be competitive at the highest levels of my sport is, well, sometimes a fight.
The past few months have been mentally tough. I was experiencing a random, spastic carousel of mental states and attempting to level them out with copious amounts of beer. The one thing keeping me “sane” was getting the job in the Outdoors bike shop. I absolutely love, with every fiber of my being, being a bike mechanic. I spend most of my Sundays daydreaming about going to work on Monday. Also, having really great coworkers is icing on a really badass cake.
The past few months were a repeating cycle of workdays followed by a somewhat uncontrollable desire to ingest alcohol. As of late, though, I’ve felt much better- more of a fun and gently undulating roller coaster of emotion (kinda like the old Zippin Pippin- the highlight of a trip to Liberty Land, the now closed amusement park lovingly dubbed “Six Flags over Orange Mound” by Memphis residents). I’ve traded triple corkscrews and loops for small highs and lows… I can deal with that. Heck, that feels pretty damn normal by my standards!
It took a minute to figure out why, but I’m reasonably sure that it’s the addition of higher training intensity into my pre-season program. Something about the perpetual tear down/recover cycle takes a bit of the edge off and makes a drinking binge seem much less desirable than when I was on a diet of endurance pace riding (not that I didn’t need that training- I sucked at it when I started, and have made some pretty nice improvements). I’m hypothesizing that it has something to do with brain chemistry.
So I’m currently feeling more “Andrea” than ever. Now that my fitness is really coming back, I am itching to get the race season started. I look forward to hard training days, and I relish in the tired/sore feeling that follows them… that’s the feeling that “fast” makes when it’s growing in your muscles.
I must admit that my riding over the last few weeks has been sporadic and some what inconsistent in terms of distance. My left knee has been troubling me since the Terra and though I put it down to just soreness from fatigue. It turns out that there may be a bit more to it than that. A visit to the GP today after finding a lump behind my knee means that now I have to have an ultrasound to see what the heck it is. My doctor feels it is most likely a cyst that is causing other inflammation and giving me pain all over my knee. All I know is that after a few K's it's bloody painful and it doesn't stop hurting for days after a ride. Most annoying! The race at Mount Perry is on this Sunday and short of me having to have my leg amputated, I will be going. I may need a couple of pain killers after six hours of riding but hey, I've given up alcohol so whats the harm in that?
The medical front isn't all doom and gloom though. Today marked the start of my trial run of being off my anxiety medication completely. I have been steadily reducing the dose for a while now and today my doctor agreed that it was time to go solo for a while and see how that goes. I feel very positive about the move as I have been feeling really good with the lower dose and I have some great coping strategies now to deal with the stress and worry that plagued me for so long. I've learnt a lot about myself in the last year or so and while that sounds strange coming from a 40 year old guy it's the truth. Some of the things have been positive, and some not so much.
On the negative side was seeing that I weaknesses like any human being, I'm not perfect and I do make mistakes. Sometimes I can't please everyone and sometimes people aren't going to like me or want to listen to what I have to say. On the positive side is knowing now that all of those things are okay.
I'm stubborn and persistent. Sometimes thats a great thing and gets results but you can't let it rule your life. Keep some perspective on whats important and be prepared to "cut it loose" even if in the short term it is painful and causes you stress. In the long term it is most likely for the best.
Here's my dirty great caveat for what you read below. All of what is said and done below has been in consultation with my doctor.
I have treated getting off the meds like the training and preparation for a race. Set the goal, make a plan and do what needs to be done to achieve it. I have learnt to deal with stress and anxiety as my first step. Call that the base miles before the intensity training starts. During this time I was heavily dependent on my medication to moderate my stress but as I got better at it I decreased my dose and kept a close eye on the results. Just like upping your miles and watching your average speeds and heart rate. Monitor it, apply the results.
So if you like, the decreasing of the dose has been like increasing the intensity of training. As my dose comes down, I am dealing with more and more of the stress on my own so to speak. And now it's all me! I'm happy to take this step finally and even a little bit proud to be able to. Nowhere in the mental health handbook does it say it's a lock that you'll get off the medication once you have started it or that if you do you will stay off it. Life is just not that cut and dry. I feel pretty confident though that I have a red hot go at it because I have my family and a fantastic support network of friends to help me if I need it and that my "training" has been good and solid.
